


Burlesque in Central

by Madamestang



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist
Genre: Burlesque AU, fem!Ed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-21
Updated: 2014-07-21
Packaged: 2018-02-09 20:36:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1996947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Madamestang/pseuds/Madamestang
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Roy, Havoc, food poisoning and a burlesque dancer named Eddie Fatale. P.S most of the names were ideas taken from the internet. Yes, they are lame.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Burlesque in Central

**Author's Note:**

> I spend way too much time casually inserting Roy and Ed into anything and everything. That said, I watched a video of Dita von Teese perform Guy What Takes His Time and this happened. I'm only marginally sorry.

"She's taking too long."

"I thought that was the point. It's called a strip _tease_."

"Maes, this stopped being a tease 15 minutes ago and has since transcended into sleep inducement."

"You've just got a stick up your ass because of Havoc."

Roy didn't deny it.

 

-

_Two Days Ago_

 

"How often do we come to Central? NEVER, so please, please Boss. I hear she's got great boobs."

"Ah, the truth emerges. I should've known it was boobs you were after and not culture."

"Culture? You callin' a strip tease culture?" Breda snorted interrupting Havoc and the Colonel, "If we're redefining words can we make work mean sleeping on the job?"

"Funny. Burlesque _is_  considered a performing art whether or not you believe it to be so. Regardless, my answer is no. And you can dispense with the kicked puppy expression."

- 

On Tuesday, the Colonel had resolved, set his foot down, _sworn_ he wouldn't go with Havoc to see the new burlesque show (if only to rankle his second lieutenant seeing as how Roy wouldn't mind watching a busty woman strip). On Wednesday, Havoc purchased two tickets to the show. On Thursday, Roy found himself in the company of Hughes sulking at one of the tables set up in the Performing Arts Center's dining room waiting for the show to begin.

 

"Food poisoning, eh? Must be pretty bad to keep Havoc from a naked woman with great boobs." Maes had said when Roy called to beg him to accompany him. "So who are we going to see again?"

"Does it matter? It's Kitten something or other. I'm not entirely sure. I'm only stuck in this situation because of that man."

While Roy had refrained from calling Havoc a few choice names while the man had his head stuck down a toilet, he'd since stopped referring to him by the name society recognized him by and only spoke of him as "that man" in a voice that implied Havoc might as well be the devil himself.

 

Now Roy was trying his best not to fall out of his chair while sleeping with his eyes open. The first performer had almost reconciled him to the situation. The second performer had actually distracted Roy long enough so that he once again referred to his second lieutenant as Havoc. But the headlining act. If Roy never saw glitter again in his life he would be quite content. The performances had pretty much gone downhill since then, and Roy had given up on enjoying busty women stripping.

As for Maes, he didn't even have to look over to know that his best friend was flipping through a stack of baby pictures instead of watching the show. In fact, Roy was 105% sure that if he did look over he'd be stuck doing the same. He'd take bad strippers over baby pictures any day.

The already dim lights dimmed even further, almost to the point of leaving the audience in complete darkness.

"This had better be good. I was getting to the really cute ones of Elysia with her new bonnet." Maes whispered loudly to Roy. He heard someone to their right snicker and Roy was half glad for the darkness, because if he'd seen the moron who'd laughed at his best friend he would not only end the evening in jail for eviscerating "that man", but also for castrating _and_ eviscerating some loser dumb enough to pay for a Candy Kane and Kitty L'animal (or whatever the other lame stripper's name was) performance. Neither he nor Maes fell into that category of course, since they were only here because of Hav-"that man".

"I don't really care, I just want this to be over. This whole evening has reduced me to using words like lame and moron." Roy whispered back.

"We could sneak out. It's so dark nobody would notice."

  
_"Please,_ let's do it quickly before I lose more brain cells."

 

"Gentlemen, for our last performance we have something _extra_ special in store for you. I would tell you more about her, but why do that when I can just let you see for yourselves? So without further delay, I introduce to you Miss Eddie Fatale!"

 

Roy had already fished his coat out from where it had fallen under the table and was halfway standing when the curtain parted to reveal a _goddess_. Yes, that was the only way to describe this woman. Her red dress looked as if it had been poured on her body and the effect when she _moved_. Golden curls shimmered from under the black cocktail hat and good God, the veil didn't hide the flirty look in her eyes. They were gold too, as far as Roy could tell.

And then she started singing.

"So we're staying then. Might as well sit." But Roy didn't hear Maes because the goddess chose that moment to make eye contact with him as she sang in her smoky voice,

" _I'd be satisfied, electrified to know a guy who takes his time."_  


Roy was lost and she hadn't even begun disrobing


End file.
